Sashy
Toronto
wa gwan?
Posts : 25,012
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So, I hate posting crap that happens in my life on here...but I need advice and so far my friends, they barely can let out any words on this subject because it just shocked everyone--including me.
So, For a bit over a year now I have become every close to this guy--let's call him Jamaica. Jamaica and I were good friends from the beginning, but as time went by we got even closer and I started to develop some feelings for him--and I know he did for me too--for example, if i went out with a male friend he would ask me questions about what we were doing, where we were going--and other things, he hates clubs but he came for my birthday, brought me roses, took me out for valentine's...just everyone started asking if we were dating. Me and him never spoke on the subject really.
A week ago he got back from his trip to Jamaica, to visit family. He was there for 2 weeks. Before the trip, things were going so well, when he came back something seemed odd. And yesterday on our days off, I drove him to the hospital, and helped him all day for his tests cuz he has leukemia. I have always been by his side since hes been sick.
Anyways, yesterday morning we left around 8:15am to head downtown. around 8:40am, a girl called his cell and he basically told her he would call her later (which is weird as he normally will talk to whoever on the phone infront of me.) So I found that weird. Then in the afternoon we had lunch at his house, talked, did some gardening, chilled, even had sex. Anyways, that girl calls as we are laying in bed and he says again ill call u later. He then later on, mentions marriage (which all throughout the week he was asking me if id ever get married, that me and him shouldnt hangout as much as we use to)...and he mentions someone getting married in January of next year. I kept saying who and he said "me". I was shocked. Basically he is being paid to marry a woman he barely knows from Jamaica so she can come to Canada. This killed me.
....he hated my reaction towards it...i cried, i was confuse and he got angry...he even answered the phone when she called again and spoke to her infront of me. Eventually he finally became a tad sincere, and at the end said lets keep things as is for now...which means hang out, we talk on the phone like 5 times a day, work together and ya have sex. I didnt reply, i basically left. Cried all night, talked to ppl...im down. I dunno what to do...because I care for him alot, even for his cancer, i dont wanna lose all ties with him no matter how much this hurts cuz quite frankly i know im the only one he can truly depend on while sick. But at the same time, it may just hurt me more to spend time with him..and talk to him...and even have to hear that girl call....so what do i do? stay with him, do what we've been doing? stay as friends and still help him through his sickness? or for my own sake, cut him out completely?
...this whole situation has taught me, that you can't suddenly care for someone like that, and give your caring nature and heart away like this...And its not even that im in love with him, but i do love him and knowing now there is absolutely no chance me and him could be together hurts. He even said my parents wouldnt even approve...which they would, i dunno what hes talking about cuz they thought we were dating....and when i asked if he cares for this girl more than me, he said no.
What do i do? I hate this feeling...this is exactly why i usually put up a front and barely date anymore...I can't deal with this.
ughhhhhhhhh.
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li sa
Windsor
Cooking a Shrimp
Posts : 26,538
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On 5/8/2008 9:19:19 AM, Sashy wrote:
i know im the only one he truly has to help him with his cancer...
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that was his decision. you can't make it for him.
maybe his wife will help him now. maybe not.
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:20:08 AM
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li sa
Windsor
Cooking a Shrimp
Posts : 26,538
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On 5/8/2008 9:20:18 AM, Sashy wrote:
ya and it was weird how he said it to me...like so uncaring, like its a normal thing....and he even said "i dunno why you're reacting like this--its a little thing"..when its ****ing marriage!
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he obviously sees it as a business transaction...
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:21:08 AM
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Sashy
Toronto
wa gwan?
Posts : 25,012
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On 5/8/2008 9:20:08 AM, li sa wrote:
that was his decision. you can't make it for him.
maybe his wife will help him now. maybe not.
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i dont even think she knows he has leukemia...and in alot of ways i feel bad for her, cuz she has no clue about me...and that he is willing to still have sex and be close with me ...i dunno
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:21:15 AM
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li sa
Windsor
Cooking a Shrimp
Posts : 26,538
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On 5/8/2008 9:21:15 AM, Sashy wrote:
i dont even think she knows he has leukemia...and in alot of ways i feel bad for her, cuz she has no clue about me...and that he is willing to still have sex and be close with me ...i dunno
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maybe their arrangement doesn't include sex or feelings.
i was offered money for a green card (in my stupid days)
and even though it fell through, our agreement never involved sex or romance.
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:22:35 AM
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Sashy
Toronto
wa gwan?
Posts : 25,012
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On 5/8/2008 9:22:35 AM, li sa wrote:
maybe their arrangement doesn't include sex or feelings.
i was offered money for a green card (in my stupid days)
and even though it fell through, our agreement never involved sex or romance.
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but still...he'll be married, we could never keep being the way we are...never.
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:23:18 AM
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Sashy
Toronto
wa gwan?
Posts : 25,012
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On 5/8/2008 9:21:08 AM, li sa wrote:
he obviously sees it as a business transaction...
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ya...
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:23:30 AM
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tripple b
Toronto
Cherry Monster
Posts : 27,282
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Sounds like he wants to have is cake and eat it too.
I'd say it's not fair to you. And keeping this as is would only hurt you more.
I think maybe you should just cut your losses.
It sounds like this could become a VERY sticky situation donw the line.
In regard to his sickness. Maybe he takes your caring and help though all of this for granted.
I can't really put into words and express what i'm thinking about this right now... but i'm sure some one else here will wind up doing that in the long run.
It doesn't really sound like he was being FORCED to do this... It seems as though he's doing it on his own free will.
Really really sticky situation man.. But I think it's in you best interest to just cut your losses and cut all your ties with him as well. Keeping in mind that even though his actions were confusing... the arrangement wasn't an aggreed upon relationship.
eek.
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:24:22 AM
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Shaun_Blaze
Atlanta
At Least I'm Honest
Posts : 52,210
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On 5/8/2008 9:11:52 AM, Sashy wrote:
So, I hate posting crap that happens in my life on here...but I need advice and so far my friends, they barely can let out any words on this subject because it just shocked everyone--including me.
So, For a bit over a year now I have become every close to this guy--let's call him Jamaica. Jamaica and I were good friends from the beginning, but as time went by we got even closer and I started to develop some feelings for him--and I know he did for me too--for example, if i went out with a male friend he would ask me questions about what we were doing, where we were going--and other things, he hates clubs but he came for my birthday, brought me roses, took me out for valentine's...just everyone started asking if we were dating. Me and him never spoke on the subject really.
A week ago he got back from his trip to Jamaica, to visit family. He was there for 2 weeks. Before the trip, things were going so well, when he came back something seemed odd. And yesterday on our days off, I drove him to the hospital, and helped him all day for his tests cuz he has leukemia. I have always been by his side since hes been sick.
Anyways, yesterday morning we left around 8:15am to head downtown. around 8:40am, a girl called his cell and he basically told her he would call her later (which is weird as he normally will talk to whoever on the phone infront of me.) So I found that weird. Then in the afternoon we had lunch at his house, talked, did some gardening, chilled, even had sex. Anyways, that girl calls as we are laying in bed and he says again ill call u later. He then later on, mentions marriage (which all throughout the week he was asking me if id ever get married, that me and him shouldnt hangout as much as we use to)...and he mentions someone getting married in January of next year. I kept saying who and he said "me". I was shocked. Basically he is being paid to marry a woman he barely knows from Jamaica so she can come to Canada. This killed me.
....he hated my reaction towards it...i cried, i was confuse and he got angry...he even answered the phone when she called again and spoke to her infront of me. Eventually he finally became a tad sincere, and at the end said lets keep things as is for now...which means hang out, we talk on the phone like 5 times a day, work together and ya have sex. I didnt reply, i basically left. Cried all night, talked to ppl...im down. I dunno what to do...because I care for him alot, even for his cancer, i dont wanna lose all ties with him no matter how much this hurts cuz quite frankly i know im the only one he can truly depend on while sick. But at the same time, it may just hurt me more to spend time with him..and talk to him...and even have to hear that girl call....so what do i do? stay with him, do what we've been doing? stay as friends and still help him through his sickness? or for my own sake, cut him out completely?
...this whole situation has taught me, that you can't suddenly care for someone like that, and give your caring nature and heart away like this...And its not even that im in love with him, but i do love him and knowing now there is absolutely no chance me and him could be together hurts. He even said my parents wouldnt even approve...which they would, i dunno what hes talking about cuz they thought we were dating....and when i asked if he cares for this girl more than me, he said no.
What do i do? I hate this feeling...this is exactly why i usually put up a front and barely date anymore...I can't deal with this.
ughhhhhhhhh.
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Oh wow, Al. I'm REALLY sorry to hear that you're in this situation.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I would do. But since I care about you deeply, I'll offer my thoughts on the subject.
I understand where you're coming from about the opening your caring heart and giving your caring nature to just anyone.
I've learn that same mistake the hard way. And that feeling SUCKS when you feel as though that person betrayed you or misused your trust and love.
I also know that it would be really difficult for you to walk away from this situation because you've invested a good amount of your heart (amongst other things) into your relationship with this person. So you want to lose what you've worked so hard for.
I understand.
If I were in the situation, I'd probably take a long-term look at the situation and try to see where we'll be in 2 years.
Since he's stated that once a person is married, they couldn't hang out the way you too do, I'm guessing the nature of your relationship will change dramatically after his wedding -- even IF it is just so she can move to Canada (Which I'm not so sure I fully believe that arrangement, but you know better than I do).
In any regard, I would try to cut back the amount of time that you spend with him in the near term -- JUST so you can think objectively about what you want to do.
Take some time to look within Sashy and examine your thoughts and feelings objectively.
Again, I'm REALLY sorry that you're going through this. If you need anything, my number's still the same.
216-269-4074
(or my new Atlanta number 678-508-8364)
Take care
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:25:12 AM
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Shaun_Blaze
Atlanta
At Least I'm Honest
Posts : 52,210
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On 5/8/2008 9:17:51 AM, li sa wrote:
Even just as a friend, he should have talked to you about this.
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EXACTLY!!!!!!
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:26:42 AM
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Sashy
Toronto
wa gwan?
Posts : 25,012
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On 5/8/2008 9:24:22 AM, tripple b wrote:
Sounds like he wants to have is cake and eat it too.
I'd say it's not fair to you. And keeping this as is would only hurt you more.
I think maybe you should just cut your losses.
It sounds like this could become a VERY sticky situation donw the line.
In regard to his sickness. Maybe he takes your caring and help though all of this for granted.
I can't really put into words and express what i'm thinking about this right now... but i'm sure some one else here will wind up doing that in the long run.
It doesn't really sound like he was being FORCED to do this... It seems as though he's doing it on his own free will.
Really really sticky situation man.. But I think it's in you best interest to just cut your losses and cut all your ties with him as well. Keeping in mind that even though his actions were confusing... the arrangement wasn't an aggreed upon relationship.
eek.
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ya, i know....it just really hurts to know that i wont be there now and he wont...if i cut all ties...and it worries me because he is ill. My friend last night told me, I care too much sometimes, and although it legitmate when i care about things alot....that i do it so much that ppl take it for granted. it really hurts when you pour your heart and feelings and caring nature (not even because ur in love) but because u care so much...and realize the person may appreciate it, but not as much as ud like....it crushed me, man. Crushed me.
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:27:34 AM
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tripple b
Toronto
Cherry Monster
Posts : 27,282
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On 5/8/2008 9:23:18 AM, Sashy wrote:
but still...he'll be married, we could never keep being the way we are...never.
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This would worry me.
You don't know this girl.. and I'm assuming he probably doesn't know her very well either.
Because marriage is a binding contract... if he still continued on with you and one day she decided to try and get a little more out of this.. she could make a lot of trouble for you...and even more trouble for him
STAY AWAY.
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:28:31 AM
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Sashy
Toronto
wa gwan?
Posts : 25,012
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On 5/8/2008 9:25:12 AM, Shaun_Blaze wrote:
Oh wow, Al. I'm REALLY sorry to hear that you're in this situation.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I would do. But since I care about you deeply, I'll offer my thoughts on the subject.
I understand where you're coming from about the opening your caring heart and giving your caring nature to just anyone.
I've learn that same mistake the hard way. And that feeling SUCKS when you feel as though that person betrayed you or misused your trust and love.
I also know that it would be really difficult for you to walk away from this situation because you've invested a good amount of your heart (amongst other things) into your relationship with this person. So you want to lose what you've worked so hard for.
I understand.
If I were in the situation, I'd probably take a long-term look at the situation and try to see where we'll be in 2 years.
Since he's stated that once a person is married, they couldn't hang out the way you too do, I'm guessing the nature of your relationship will change dramatically after his wedding -- even IF it is just so she can move to Canada (Which I'm not so sure I fully believe that arrangement, but you know better than I do).
In any regard, I would try to cut back the amount of time that you spend with him in the near term -- JUST so you can think objectively about what you want to do.
Take some time to look within Sashy and examine your thoughts and feelings objectively.
Again, I'm REALLY sorry that you're going through this. If you need anything, my number's still the same.
216-269-4074
(or my new Atlanta number 678-508-8364)
Take care
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Thanks Shaun. You know, i dont understand this marriage thing either...i told him, im deeply confused.
Also, im trying already to not talk to him...im not gonna call him for a few days, but i know he'll call me. Already today, i didnt go into work (he works with me) because i didnt get sleep last night and im down. i just need a day. Anyways, guess who calls me this morning asking why i didnt come to work? Jamaica. He basically, said why and i told him i just didnt want to. And he keeps asking why...and then i say its my problem. and he goes "oh thats how it is, ur problem..ok good, be sad, dont work, go suck yourself (which means cry from him)..." and i basically said ok and hung up. Why would he call me still? how could he even think and act as if nothing happened?
im so hurt right now.
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:32:12 AM
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Shaun_Blaze
Atlanta
At Least I'm Honest
Posts : 52,210
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On 5/8/2008 9:27:34 AM, Sashy wrote:
ya, i know....it just really hurts to know that i wont be there now and he wont...if i cut all ties...and it worries me because he is ill. My friend last night told me, I care too much sometimes, and although it legitmate when i care about things alot....that i do it so much that ppl take it for granted. it really hurts when you pour your heart and feelings and caring nature (not even because ur in love) but because u care so much...and realize the person may appreciate it, but not as much as ud like....it crushed me, man. Crushed me.
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You and I ARE frighteningly similar. I understand all too well.
And again, I'm really sorry to hear that.
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:32:39 AM
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li sa
Windsor
Cooking a Shrimp
Posts : 26,538
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On 5/8/2008 9:23:18 AM, Sashy wrote:
but still...he'll be married, we could never keep being the way we are...never.
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you're thinking with your heart, and you should.
bottom line his inconsideration as a friend is pure crap.
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:33:44 AM
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Sashy
Toronto
wa gwan?
Posts : 25,012
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On 5/8/2008 9:28:31 AM, tripple b wrote:
This would worry me.
You don't know this girl.. and I'm assuming he probably doesn't know her very well either.
Because marriage is a binding contract... if he still continued on with you and one day she decided to try and get a little more out of this.. she could make a lot of trouble for you...and even more trouble for him
STAY AWAY.
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i know. last night when i got upset i yelled at him and said "why did we just have sex if ur getting married" and he got up and pulled me to get up and leave. because i said that. To me, if hes getting married and knows it...hes basically engaged...so him and i doing anything more like that, would be cheating...and wrong. And in the long run ya i would be the problem once she moved here....he told me once they get married and she moves shes gonna live with her cousin or something...but what if that changes, what if they get closer? ive never seen Jamaica call her, but ive seen her call him lots...what if its a money transaction for him, but for her its more?
its so confusing...uhgfdhgfkhogajrtngbvk,xdrgnj!!!!
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:35:11 AM
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Shaun_Blaze
Atlanta
At Least I'm Honest
Posts : 52,210
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On 5/8/2008 9:32:12 AM, Sashy wrote:
Thanks Shaun. You know, i dont understand this marriage thing either...i told him, im deeply confused.
Also, im trying already to not talk to him...im not gonna call him for a few days, but i know he'll call me. Already today, i didnt go into work (he works with me) because i didnt get sleep last night and im down. i just need a day. Anyways, guess who calls me this morning asking why i didnt come to work? Jamaica. He basically, said why and i told him i just didnt want to. And he keeps asking why...and then i say its my problem. and he goes "oh thats how it is, ur problem..ok good, be sad, dont work, go suck yourself (which means cry from him)..." and i basically said ok and hung up. Why would he call me still? how could he even think and act as if nothing happened?
im so hurt right now.
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I don't think he gets it. And that sucks.
In any regard, at this point, you need to start to focus on YOU.
Unfortunately, since you work together, you're going to HAVE to deal with his questions at some point.
But I HIGHLY suggest that you try to get all of your sadness and crying out when you're alone.
Do the best you can to realize that you have to protect your heart again (and I know that's difficult AND it sucks).
Unfortunately, his lack of emotions about the whole thing really scares me (for you).
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:36:21 AM
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tripple b
Toronto
Cherry Monster
Posts : 27,282
Superstar
ONLINE
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On 5/8/2008 9:27:34 AM, Sashy wrote:
ya, i know....it just really hurts to know that i wont be there now and he wont...if i cut all ties...and it worries me because he is ill. My friend last night told me, I care too much sometimes, and although it legitmate when i care about things alot....that i do it so much that ppl take it for granted. it really hurts when you pour your heart and feelings and caring nature (not even because ur in love) but because u care so much...and realize the person may appreciate it, but not as much as ud like....it crushed me, man. Crushed me.
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I understand, and I also can relate to your hurt.
But you have to step back and look at this and really think.
Even though you are a caring person, and did all you did out of caring for this person...
What do his actions show about how he appreciates and values all your caring and kindness?
To me all this sounds one sided. He did the "nice" things he did to keep what had with you going and to continue getting your support, love and help.
But what he has done would really open my eyes exactly to how he really values my time, friendship, help, etc.
It shows he really didn't care and was probably just using you. Now that a better deal has come along, you are history.
It burns. But it is a lesson. Relationships like you had with him usually done work out the way you think in the end, and someone always ends up getting hurt.
Not everyone is like that... but unfortunetly he must have picked up on your caring nature and willingness to help and took advantage of it.
ps) I've been told a few times by different women (some jamacian) that Jamacian men are bad news. Sweet talkers and users.
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Posted: 5/8/2008 9:36:26 AM
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